Somewhere along the line, we began to accept constant arguing as a part of relationships, why?
Mychal and I often get comments from family and friends about how we are always happy with each other. People rarely see us with any tension or anger between us. They most definitely haven’t seen us arguing. Most of this is because if there were a reason to be slightly perturbed, we handle it in private. Letting people see you interact negatively with your spouse, or telling them about confrontations, affects their perspective of your spouse permanently. You can try and tell them good things after that, but honestly, they will always remember that negative thing.
The other reason people don’t see us upset with one another is because it rarely happens. We’ve never been the ones to get upset, but when we have gotten upset with one another, we both left feeling scarred and we didn’t like that feeling. So, we outwardly decided to not have another argument for the rest of our lives. Is it possible? We don’t know. Will we try? absolutely. It for sure won’t be effort wasted.
Warning, this requires complete openness and honesty between you and you’re partner. If you don’t feel comfortable saying anything to you’re partner, work on that first. If you have bigger issues than arguing, work on those first. This requires a dynamic that is free of judgement. Only then will you know that anything that does occur wasn’t done to hurt you or embarrass you, etc. Here are the three main things Mychal and I do to prevent angry confrontations.
Fix It Immediately
We talk through things the moment they happen or when the appropriate time comes. Do not dwell on something, even if you feel it is a small thing. We all know the feeling, you try to dismiss something you think is small and before you know it you’re more pissed than reasonable because you need to vent. If Mychal says something that doesn’t sit well with me, I just calmly tell him that it bothers me. When he understands why it bothers me he acknowledges it, makes amends and we move on. If he doesn’t understand why we discuss it until we both understand what occurred. I do the same if I make him upset. Nothing festers or lingers longer than necessary.
Have An Ongoing Conversation
Constantly talk. Talk about (those things that get on your nerves). If you see something you don’t like somewhere else, talk about it and see where you both stand. If you see something you like in another couple, discuss it. It is important to not only know what your partner doesn’t like but also what they do like.
Let It Go
Let some things go. If you know your partner never puts their laundry in the basket, either find a way to nicely remind them and if you cant do that let it go. Is your relationship worth the extra five seconds it takes to pick up clothing. Moving on from things also means you won’t be tempted to bring up the negative if you are arguing.
Relationships are work and compromise. I know you have heard that a million times but there is a reason you’ve heard it so much, its true! Unless you actively work toward not being confrontational it will never happen. We are human, things get to us. You have to decide to put in the work.
There will be an upcoming post on what we do when we do argue.
